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Guest Column
American A-Hole
A touching tribute to
American Idol,
TV's smash hit
By Katie Armstrong
DETROIT, MICHIGAN AUGUST 19, 2002
As of late I’ve been spending Tuesday and Wednesday nights
consuming pure garbage. For the seven people on the planet who have not been
watching the show, allow me to offer a brief synopsis of American Idol. The show
started
a while ago with a lot of teens with big dreams.
They sang their little hearts out and the judges were just so mean (especially
smug old Simon with that terribly condescending British accent)! Lots of
the kids cried and some
even sassed back. Then they put the finalists in a house together a la the Real
World and let the engineered camaraderie begin. You can tell that they have
become such great friends because they cry and hug and hold hands tight when one
of the crew gets axed.
Tuesday’s episodes are filled with riveting individual
performances and the occasional soupy group medley so god-awful you may
experience the urge to poke out both eyes and eardrums. For example this week
one group sing
included “Raindrops Keep Falling on my Head”. Tuesday’s version also
allows for viewers to call in and cast their vote for who should be the American
Idol. Wednesday also promises sickening thrown together medleys and ever
increasing amounts of sobbing. You see, on Wednesday someone gets sent away- but
not before viewing a montage of their rise to glory, after which they are forced
to perform one last song while they choke back the tears. |
And now, there are only FOUR left.
Let’s meet our contestants!
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The
Really Talented One
This woman can really belt them out. Even curmudgeonly
Simon couldn’t help comparing her to Whitney Houston.
Perhaps he was referring to her appetite for cocaine.
Anyway, she’s not fun to talk about because she actually
is quite good. Expect to see her on MTV just as soon as
her exclusive Idol contract allows her to do so. |
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Tamyra
Gray |
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The
Big Caboose
Again, a talented singer. She is a spunky little number
who this week made the grave error of appearing on
camera with no make up. Bogus! This one also has a
sizable amount of junk in the trunk. I do not think
America is ready for an Idol with booty! I think she’ll
go far if she keeps dreaming and hops on that tread
mill. |
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Kelly
Clarkson |
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Punk
Rock Girl
Every one knows that you don’t have to possess talent to
berate those who perform. So I don’t feel bad for
calling this woman a caterwauling hack. The only reason
she made it past the last round was out of a flood of
pity calls. You see, after the judges ripped her a few
new ones, the camera panned over to her cute as a button
five-year-old son crying because they were mean to
mommy. Well, maybe moms should shut it. |
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Nicky
Ozment |
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Fro
Boy
Bar none the most annoying of the bunch. Even remote
Brazilian tribesmen are tired of seeing this face. And
that stupid gimmick he calls hair. His smile is as
manufactured as they come and he often winks. I’m
deathly afraid he might be here to stay. I’m unhappy to
report that he’s my pick to win it all. I just
can’t imagine the throngs of speed dialing boppers
having it any other way. |
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Justin
Guarini |
We can only look forward to a googillion more
programs with the exact same, but ever so slightly different, format to pop up
next season. All I can say is the knockoffs will never capture the excitement
and energy of this rag tag
bunch!
The question is: am I only an American A-Hole if I buy into it all, calling 50
times to vote for my fave, driving around in my super hip Ford focus, drinking
the Coke that gives Idol a run for its money in its syrupy sweetness, all while
wondering when oh when will the American Idol Highlights disc be released?
Or am I just sitting on my elitist high horse
laughing not only at the show, but all the people who are watching it for real?
All I know is I can’t wait for Tuesday.
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